It doesn't Matta

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Dream Brother

Last night I cried. I was very sad. I was listening to, of all things, country music. Yes, Country music. I actually like country a lot, and lately have been listening to New Country 60 on Sirius. They played, like 5 songs in a row that made me sad. And reflective.

I need a change.

I don't like where I'm at in any aspect of my life. I don't like my job, I don't like where I live anymore (Love my apartment, hate my landlord's noisy fiance and noisy kids). I don't like that I am still single. I can go on forever.

I need a change.

At 12:30am, as I was getting in to bed, I started to cry. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. Also, the last thing I wanted to do was to cry myself to sleep. SO, I turned on the TV and saw my favorite movie, Beautiful Girls, was on. I watched a little. Until the scene where Willy sees Marty ice skating, and he tells her that he doesn't want to be the Winnie the Pooh to her Christopher Robin...after she asks him to wait 5 years when she is 18, so they "can walk through this world together". It gets me every time.

I cried more, so at about 12:45am, I got out of bed, got dressed put on my iPod and went for a walk down to the beach. It was late, I was depressed, but it was quite a pleasant walk.

But then i started listening to Jeff Buckley, and it made me even more depressed.

I walked on the sand, turned around, and started back home.

I think it was really theraputic to take the walk and just engross myself in my surroundings and the music.

I even walked past a house that I could see in, and they were watching porn...that's always nice to see.

I think I will make these late-night walks a regular thing. I didn't figure anything out about my troubles..I'm still in all of the same shitty situations, but at least I have a place to go to "get away".


Anonymous me said...

You're not alone. We all go through those crying episodes and think about what's not going well in life, and how where we are is nothing close to what we'd ever have imagined or wanted for ourselves. Throw in those sad triggers (Country Music and Beautiful Girls) and the waterworks are a guarantee.

Here are some of my thoughts that alleviate (though never cure) the melancholy:

1. Who really is where they want to be? I don't think anyone could be truthful and say "yes." There's always something you wish was going better, something you wish you could change. People may put up an exterior like their life is perfect, but they could be the saddest person on the inside... Everyone is in the same boat.

2. If I had everything that I think would make my life perfect, would it really be? Probably not. At this point in my life, I think I'm within a short time of getting a lot of my lifes wishes granted. There's a decent chance I may be married to the man of my dreams, living in a great house in a great area, and hopefully becoming a mother within the next 2 years (max). The fact that I'm 31 and don't have these things yet has been a constant source of anxiety and depression for the last 4 years! Now that it's within my grasp it scares the shit out of me. I'm sure I can be happy, but I'm not sure those things will make my life "more perfect." I think they'll probably just make the souce of my anxiety and depression change. Instead of "Oh my God. I'm 31 and still live at home, and my boyfriend of 6 and half years may never marry me, I feel like such a loser..." it may be "Oh my God. These kids are driving me insane. I can't lose the baby weight. My husband is going to be repulsed by the sight of me. How can I be the perfect wife?" It's unending.

What I've been really working hard on is trying to live in the present and find the good in it. It' doesn't always work, but for the most part I try to do what makes me happy right now. The kids make me laugh, so I spend time with them as much as possible; for right now - being a girlfriend (as opposed to a wife) is pretty damn good. I get to spend a few hours with the man I love, do fun stuff and have great conversations and then go home to my own bed - I try not to stress about how we should be living together by now... The days go so quick. It's so easy to get caught up with what's going wrong instead of focusing on what's right, right now. And, every now and then a good cry, and a night of depression can be very cathartic.

11:11 AM  

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