It doesn't Matta

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I HATE Girls

Why must chicks be so f-ing petty. There is a girl I work with that hates me. I was never introduced to her, never really spoken to her, but she hates me. She works in the mailroom, so occasionally I need to ask her for things. I'm always nice to her. However, any time I ask for something, she tells me "No". That she doesn't have what I need, and that she can't help me.
Another co-worker thinks that the reason is because she thinks I'm "after" a guy we work with. Which, by the way, I am NOT! He's a nice guy, and we get along very well, but I am SO not "into" him. She apparently is.
SO, I have to get dirty looks, and it is difficult to get my job done, blah blah blah....and she can HAVE the guy!

Friday, September 08, 2006

The war inside

Isn't it funny how just a small little thought can change you whole mood for the entire day.

Last night, on my drive home, I thought about Jim...the stupid boy...the "one who got away".
Today, I am in such a sad, sad mood. Which I guess is EXTREMELY evident to my co-workers, as they keep asking me if I'm "alright".

At first I couldn't remember why Jim even popped into my head. Then it struck me..a conversation I had at work earlier that day about why I left my job at Fuse.

I often wonder if I will ever get over these feelings. I should be mad at him, and have feelings of scorn, but I don't. Then I get mad at myself. It's a huge internal battle. The rational part of my mind says "Thank God he's not around" and "I'm SO lucky I didn't end up with someone like that"...The other side of my brain says "If he got divorced and asked me to marry him tomorrow, I WOULD".

And so I sit here. Quiet. Not my "Usual" self. With a vicious battle going on inside my head.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Under Pressure!

Why do I feel like I always need some sort of pressure in my life? Why do I keep bringing things on myself?

When I was working at Canon, I felt like I need to leave there to pursue better opportunities for myself in an effort to move up. I put a lot of pressure on myself every time I went on a job interview…it is really hard for me to lie and make up reasons for being late or leaving early to go on interviews. It was even more pressure when I got offered a job that I wasn’t sure I wanted. I was sure I wanted to leave Canon, just not sure I wanted to work at the new place. The job would definitely look good on my resume, but the salary increase was minimal…WHAT DO I DO? PRESSURE!!!

I accepted the job anyway, and was faced with the pressure of telling my boss that I was leaving. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, it was very hard for me to go in and give my notice. HOW DO I DO IT? PRESSURE!!!

Thankfully, she took it very well, and was extremely understanding!

So here I am at my new job (I’ve been here for 1 month), and I am faced with a tremendous job opportunity. Doing the type of work I love (trade shows), and traveling a lot. Plus, this new job pays $10k more than I am making now.

I have to go in for another interview at 10am (that means I have to call in late to work even though I don’t have any time off). WHAT DO I SAY? PRESSURE!!!

I also found out that the people I met with the first time I interviewed want to meet with me on Thursday after work….luckily they are willing to work around my schedule. I have a very strong feeling that they are going to offer me the job on Thursday.

Now I am faced with the thought of giving my notice here at my current job after only 1 month! I feel horrible! Like I am betraying them! HOW CAN I DO THIS? PRESSURE!!!

I am just hoping that they take it well, and understand…even though I may never see them again, I still don’t want anyone to be mad…So much has changed here since I started…new processes, shifting of job responsibilities…when I leave, if they can’t find someone quickly enough, then I’m afraid things will go back to their former, disorganized ways.

I want to cry. I have too much stress in my life right now…

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Stay cool forever

Beautiful Girls is STILL my favorite movie! I don't know what it is about that movie, but it's just great to me.

I left my job at Canon...yesterday was my last day. This is the email I sent to my friends there (2 quotes from B.G.)

Hey Guys-

Just wanted to send you a quick last note to let you know how much I have valued my time here at Canon. I am very fortunate to have gotten to know such a great group of people. I wish you all continued success, and of course, much happiness.

I hope that we can stay in touch, because I hope to learn about what you are doing...whatever it is, it will be amazing!

Here's my contact info...


Have a great Fourth of July weekend, think of me on Monday...while you're at the beach or barbecuing, I'll be starting my first day at my new job (ugh!).

And, To quote one of my favorite movies: "Stay cool. Stay cool forever."


Monday, June 26, 2006

Words to Live By

You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey...Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last. - Vernon Howard

Once you can laugh at your own weaknesses, you can move forward. Comedy breaks down walls. It opens up people. If you're good, you can fill up those openings with something positive. Maybe...combat some of the ugliness in the world. - Goldie Hawn

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. - Goethe

The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know. - Rebecca Beard

Eye of the Tiger

I love to see couples fight in public.
I love it when neither of them back down.
My favorite part is when one of them (usually the girl) starts to cry.

I know what you're thinking. "That's so mean!" I know it is. Especially the crying part. But I look at it this way: If these same people can parade around holding hands and kissing in public when everything is going great, then they should be REQUIRED to let all parts of themselves be open for public consumption. The good and the bad. Equal rights for PDA's and PDC's (Public displays of conflict).

Girls, Girls, Girls

I saw one of "those girls" on the train the other day. You know the type. The pretty college girl. She'll finish school, work for a few years, get married (at about 25) to a nice young man with a good job (something financial...Accountant, analyst, etc), Have a few kids (3 probably), then stay at home in her beautiful big house in Roslyn, spending the day shopping and tending to the kids, getting manicures, etc. while her husband goes to work in the city every day, and fucks his secretary. The perfect life! She was very cute...very "proper". Wearing a "date dress". White cotton sleeves or straps across the top, and a huge a-line skirt. White cotton with black embroidered flowers with an adorable black bow at the waist. Then a 3/4" sleeve shrug...also with cute little bows on the sleeves.
I saw a lot of girls during my short night in the city. The ones wearing 4" heels even though they can't walk in them. Ankles wobbling with every step.
The "innocent slut"...the girl who has no intention of doing anything "naughty" on her night out in New York, but dresses like she does. Low cut top, boobs popping out of her push-up bra, frantically trying to keep covered up while she's walking. She's a off sexual vibes to the guys who eye her up in hopes that she lands a that cute metrosexual working his way up the corporate ladder in a boring office job...hoping he will sweep her off her feet over drinks at that little pub next door to the trendiest bar in the city (because they both got tired of waiting on line at the door).
I saw that other chick too. We all know at least one of these. The plain, homely girl. Not ugly, just not "special". She never took the time to learn how to fix herself up..can't wear make-up, has little to no fashion sense. She lives in NYC (probably a borough...brooklyn, queens) and fancies herself "culturally aware". She got tired of pining for the popular frat boy types, and embraced the fact that she wasn't their type. So, she settled for the foreign guy. A Phillipino maybe...or something similar. They're in love now. And have a baby! Good for her, if that's what makes her happy.
Then there were the Paris Hilton wannabes. All decked out in their little dresses. Of course with matching heels and purses. Hair perfectly coifed, skin perfectly tanned, chandelier earrings, make-up perfectly applied. Only, the guys they are hoping to attract don't see them as the celebutants they SO wish they were. The guys look at them and wonder which strip club they're working at. (Not necessarily a bad thing).
And there I stood, in the middle of it my jeans, flip-flops and t-shirt. Watching it all unfold. Wondering what the future holds for these people. For me. Do they know something I don't? All these people taking such different paths in life? Are they happy? Will they ever be completely happy, successful, fulfilled? Will I?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Dream Brother

Last night I cried. I was very sad. I was listening to, of all things, country music. Yes, Country music. I actually like country a lot, and lately have been listening to New Country 60 on Sirius. They played, like 5 songs in a row that made me sad. And reflective.

I need a change.

I don't like where I'm at in any aspect of my life. I don't like my job, I don't like where I live anymore (Love my apartment, hate my landlord's noisy fiance and noisy kids). I don't like that I am still single. I can go on forever.

I need a change.

At 12:30am, as I was getting in to bed, I started to cry. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. Also, the last thing I wanted to do was to cry myself to sleep. SO, I turned on the TV and saw my favorite movie, Beautiful Girls, was on. I watched a little. Until the scene where Willy sees Marty ice skating, and he tells her that he doesn't want to be the Winnie the Pooh to her Christopher Robin...after she asks him to wait 5 years when she is 18, so they "can walk through this world together". It gets me every time.

I cried more, so at about 12:45am, I got out of bed, got dressed put on my iPod and went for a walk down to the beach. It was late, I was depressed, but it was quite a pleasant walk.

But then i started listening to Jeff Buckley, and it made me even more depressed.

I walked on the sand, turned around, and started back home.

I think it was really theraputic to take the walk and just engross myself in my surroundings and the music.

I even walked past a house that I could see in, and they were watching porn...that's always nice to see.

I think I will make these late-night walks a regular thing. I didn't figure anything out about my troubles..I'm still in all of the same shitty situations, but at least I have a place to go to "get away".

I Always Feel Like, Somebody's Watching Me

There once was a waiter from Fridays. Steve. He was a really cute, and sweet guy. We got along well. (He was our waiter of choice on Saturday nights after the races). He is 10 years younger than me.

I always thought he was cute, and we actually had a lot in common...I found him on the Internet (in about 4.7 seconds) and found out (don't remember how) what his AOL screen name is. I added him to my buddy list, but never dared to contact him. Looking him up and finding him was creepy enough. This was a couple of years ago.

Last summer, even though he was promoted to bartender he stopped by for a visit and announced that he was engaged. Engaged at 22. I didn't give it a long time.
He eventually graduated from College (was going to school for some sort of scientific subject...studying human cells or something).

Anyway, I don't see him anymore, but he is still on my buddy list. Recently (the past few months), he has been leaving "out" messages on his IM thing.

He leave info like: "I don't wanna work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. Bartending at Friday's, stop by and visit, or call the cell."

Silly little things. From what I gather, just reading his away messages, he now coaches varsity LaCrosse at East Hampton High School, he works out at the gym religiously, is practically becoming a body builder, and still works at Friday's bartending. Although I never see him there on Saturdays.

This morning, from what I read, he is now SINGLE. His message said something like "Had fun last night. I'm kinda liking this single thing..."

So my new plan, is, if I ever see him again, to be touch his biceps, and say something like: "Steven, you look great! Are you working out?"

Monday, June 05, 2006

Another Hypothetical...

If you cheat to win, is the victory as sweet?

Karma Chameleon

Had an interesting Karmic experience the other night. Heather and I went to one of my favorite bars on L.I. on Sunday night. It was there a few years ago, that someone posed a bunch of hypothetical questions to me and my friends. I only remembered 2 of them, and posed one of them to Heather on Sunday.

Let's say you are at a bar, and you see an attractive guy across the room, sitting at a table. You go over to him, sit down, and chat for hours. He is a great guy..everything you're looking for. He gets your number, and asks you out on a date, which you eagerly accept. You get up and go back to your friends, but see him leaving, and notice that he was paraplegic. Do you go on the date with him?

When I was first asked the question, I teetered. I guess I still do. On the one had, he is perfect in every other way, I'm certainly not perfect...but do I really want to date someone so physically needy? And, he may not have LIED in our first meeting, but he certainly didn't MENTION that he was paraplegic...which is a very important piece of information, I think. Should I be angry about that? Angry enought to not go out with the guy?

Anyway, Heather's answer was "No" she wouldn't date the guy. Her reasoning was compelling and made sense.

Later on that night, we were drinking and having a good time, (loud as usual), when two guys came over to our table, sat with us, and just began chatting.

A normal thing on any given night. Here's what was different...BOTH guys were PARAPLEGIC! In WHEELCHAIRS!

Ironic? YES! Karmic? UNDOUBTEDLY! Weird? NAH...I wouldn't expect anything less during a Heather/Stacia night out.


I love listening to "Hair Nation" on Sirius (FYI - I also totally dig I guess I am just getting old, and like listening to old school rock and hip-hop).
Yesterday, a song by Slaughter came on. I don't remember which song, it's erroneous anyway. I do know that it WASN'T "Up all night", "Fly to the angels" or "Spend my life"...

I cannot believe I actually listened to and LIKED this band? Listening back now, it sounds like nothing but a bunch of high-pitched screaming on the part of Mark Slaughter. The lyrics aren't even that great!

Don't get me wrong, I still love listening to old hair bands like Poison, and Bon Jovi and Warrant, etc. For some reason, to me there isn't as much screaming, their songs are a little more melodic, and I don't even mind the lyrics. I mean, who WASN'T touched by lyrics such as "I saw him, I saw red and then I closed the door" or "Every Rose has it's thorn just like every night has is dawn" "Heaven isn't too far away..closer to it every day".

But this Slaughter guy is just yelling and screaming and it is SO uncomfortable! And was he actually cute back then? I still think Bret Michaels is attractive (hiding his bald head with a bandanna or not)...And back in the day, that bass player for warrant was really cute in his day...Big eyebrowns or not (I wonder what he looks like today...I wonder what his name was. Jerry something I think.)